–An integrative approach
When my 22-year-old son called me and repeatedly asked me why he had to pay so much tax and complained that it did not make sense to him, I knew there was no point in telling him “Buddy, everybody pays tax!” This kind of logical, sequential reasoning did not mean anything to him because after working four days in a row on overnight shifts, he was emotionally drained and physically too tired to think or listen. In short, he was throwing a tantrum at me. However, using my training in neuroscience, I stopped telling him the facts and instead provided a comforting and nurturing approach by listening and showing my understanding of his frustration. Within minutes, he did not challenge me with the same questions any more. Then, I told him to have a good sleep and we could discuss more on the following day. He agreed.
The key point here is that not only do we have a solid relationship to trust each other, but it was the moment I recognized that his brain had been hijacked by his physical fatigue and overwhelming emotions, so he was only operating on his right brain. Before going further, we need to appreciate the different functions of our brain. The right hemisphere is an experiential, non-verbal, and emotional brain, dealing with things such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and body gestures. The left one is a logical, linguistic, and literal brain, which deals with facts and leaner thoughts. In other words, the right brain focuses on the context and the left is about the text.
Thus, at that point I did not try to rationalize with my son or make him understand the fact that, “Everybody pays the tax!” When our children are tired, hungry, hurt, or scared, they may behave in a totally unreasonable way. It is not the time to help them understand the world or teach them a good lesson. Rather, it is time to connect with their right brain and once the emotional connection is achieved, we can start to direct them with their left brain to complete the task.
When my son threw his temper tantrum, he was overtaken by his right brain and could not access his left one. If I kept telling him the facts or reasoning with him, I was forcing him to use his left one, which contested his brain function. As a result, he would not have felt understood, which would have kept him staying in the right brain–overwhelmed by a flood of feelings and overpowered by escalating frustration and anger until he broke down. By listening to him and showing my empathy I was, in fact, able to help him feel connected and understood, which tamed his emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere in a timely manner. This is the beauty of a healthy relationship that allows the involved parties to work on things with care and understanding, so everybody can keep progressing. Of course, after our phone conversation my son never asked me again the amount of tax he just paid because he knew it right from the get go!
Further Reading:
Siegel, D. (2011). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, Bantam Books.
Siegel, D. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, Delacorte Press.